Rock
Scissors
Fuck
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
