ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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