I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
