thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
