Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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