My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Randomize