Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
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