Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
