I wish I could punch you in the face.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
