wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
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