omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
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