Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Randomize
