I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
