bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
