he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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