the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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