You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
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