In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
