I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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