With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize