I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
