Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
