Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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