If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
My vagina just recognized that song.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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