i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
