I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Randomize
