I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize