highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
