Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
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