i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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