thus making me awesome and them whores
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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