I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
