She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Randomize
