you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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