btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Randomize
