Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
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