tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
