I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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