you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
