A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize