tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
