That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
