living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Randomize
