Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
