My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
