I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
