yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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