I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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