Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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