Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
