Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Randomize
