Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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