When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
