The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
