My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
