I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
