After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize