I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
