I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
