So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
