when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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