no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
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