The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Need sex. Gaining weight.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
