I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
