Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
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