Someone shit on the floor
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Randomize
