I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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